Can we learn to forget?
““How can I erase a bad memory from my mind?””
As an educator in the field of memory, I get asked some pretty extraordinary questions about ways to improve, enhance and retain memories. Generally speaking, most of us want to know how to hang on to memories, bring up names and important events more quickly, and keep a healthy memory as we age.
One of the unexpected questions that pops up with surprising frequency, however, revolves around the concept of forgetting. The query throws a curve ball into my typical vernacular about retention, attention, and recall and I always stumble over the appropriate answer. How, pray tell, do we actively forget those events, images, songs (jingles anyone?) or experiences we simply can’t seem to forget, despite our best attempts?
“I have a PhD in being human and am a self-professed expert at creating memories I wish I could “un-remember””
I am not a neurologist or a doctor. I do have a PhD in being human and am a self-professed expert at creating memories I wish I could “un-remember”. Unfortunately, our brains don’t have a backspace button. There’s no Ctrl+Alt+Del function that will reset an event and create a new blank slate out of a moment of our past. Until we find the mental whiteout or eraser that can let go of what our minds choose to hold on to, it’s my understanding that the act of forgetting is an exercise in futility. But that being said, we don’t need to accept the impact of bad memories lying down. Below is a list of strategies to help you ease the blow of some of your least favorite memories, and even to turn them into your best mental exercises and positive recollections.
It’s important to note that bad memories come in all forms, and those that cause chronic stress, health problems, anxiety, or other mental health concerns should be addressed with a physician or mental health practitioner. When it comes to your run of the mill “wish I could get that out of my head” memory, here are some suggestions that just might come in handy.
Redirect.
What we focus on grows, so it’s important to acknowledge that when we give our attention to an undesirable memory (or song, or face, or…) that memory becomes larger and larger in our minds. By redirecting our thinking to another song, memory, experience — ideally one with positive connotations — we can train ourselves to spend less time with our magnifying attention on something we wish we could forget.
Let’s use the example of the annoying jingle. Choosing and singing a catchy tune that you love as soon as you catch yourself subconsciously humming the double-mint gum advertisement is a way to re-train your brain — to not forget the tune — but to link it to a different melody. Use the same strategy with an experience. As soon as you find yourself recalling an unwanted experience, redirect your thoughts to an upbeat one. Over time, your brain will create new neural connections uniting these events and will naturally begin to connect the negative memory with the more positive one.
Reframe.
It’s about a change in perspective. One of the hardest memories for me to face used to be the memory of my wedding. It seems quite ironic to recoil from the memory of a beautiful event with, friends, family, and an atmosphere of celebration and hope. I share an experience with many whose marriages ended in divorce where the memory of the wedding day brings up the physically uncomfortable emotions surrounding the end of the marriage, instead of the joyous emotions of the actual event.
I’ve learned to reframe the memory. Instead of allowing thoughts surrounding the memory of the wedding to focus on the marriage, I trained myself to immediately turn my mental attention to everything beautiful in my life that came as a direct result of the event, including my children, my deep friendships, and eventually the new modern family that brings me so much joy.
Over time, this new thinking rewired my brain.
My association of memories of my wedding with negative emotions was broken, and a pathway that connected them to positive ones was slowly rewired. The process gave me the ability to celebrate the memories of the event and to associate them with the love I have for my kids and the gratitude I feel for other events of my life that never would have transpired had I stayed married.
What aspects of your life would have never been possible without your “bad” memory?
A great exercise is to put pen to paper and write a list of positive outcomes, direct or indirect, that have come into your life since the experience. Meditate on these positive circumstances and make a note of the emotions you feel. Keep this list handy, and mentally redirect thinking the next time a negative memory is brought to your attention. It may take practice, but a new perspective on an old memory is well worth the effort.
Release.
As members of the human race are excellent at placing judgement on anything that crosses our minds. It’s either a good memory or a bad memory, positive or negative, joyous or depressing, angry or compassionate. Rarely are we able to just let a memory be. Releasing judgement of the memory you wish you could forget is an exceptional way to let go of the negative space it holds. Bad memories are “bad” because we decide they are. Good memories are “good” because of the value we have given to them in our minds. Can you release your judgement and just let the memory be what it is?
Think about a memory you consider to be a bad or negative one. Can you list all the reasons you have placed it in a negative category? What are your ideas and thoughts behind those judgements, and is there a way you can let go of the need to categorize this experience and just put it into a neutral space? There is freedom behind acknowledging our tendency to judge, not only or memories, but ourselves, other people, and all the experiences that come through our awareness. Releasing judgement on the memory is a powerful way to forget the bad emotions that surround it.
While there is no cranial eraser (YET) there are ways we can manage our memories and change the effect they have on our emotions and our thinking. As you acknowledge the memories you would like to redirect, reframe and release, give yourself a moment to take your attention away from the memories of the past and to celebrate the one you are creating right now.
For the love of your memory… give yourself permission to settle into right now and to create some new and incredible moments you’ll never want to forget.
Try the Meditation for Memory below!
This is a guided meditation designed to help recognize and release that which draws you from your memorable life.